Grief

It took me a good couple of weeks to work through what I can only describe as grief. I was and had been in so much pain and misery for so long, and I just found out that I’d have it the rest of my life. Ulcerative Colitis is an autoimmune disease that has no cure and no definitive treatment. There isn’t even a reliable diet you can try to improve things - what works for one person may put another in the hospital. 

I grieved the pain I was in and the pain in my future. I grieved the control and ambitions I worry I’ll have to let go of. I grieved the fact that I’ll be a burden on my family, that I won’t be able to be the kind of kick-a mom and wife I aspire to be. I don’t want to be fine; I want to be amazing! And I couldn’t see past the current moment to even hope for something better down the line.

Eventually, I cried all my tears out, gained comfort and love from family and friends, learned a lot more about the condition (thanks largely to contributions/info from a few IBD Facebook groups), and I was able to get myself on a manageable pill schedule. It was a lot. But maybe my life thus far has been preparing me for this.